Impetus

Distilling experiences, imaginings, and life into words is always the hardest part. It is startlingly and frustratingly easy for me to be intimidated by my thoughts, my call, my urge to share and talk about what goes on in the deepest parts of myself. Mind and soul. Shadowy voices start chiming at the back of my head ‘why bother?’ ‘no one cares’ ‘don’t be so self centered’. I feel a sense of shame but it doesn’t feel like my own. Or rather, it doesn’t feel like it comes from my self. Those shaming voices sound an awful lot like my mother and my sister.

Woof. It is scary just putting that down in type for others to read. However, I don’t think I am alone. And that is hopeful. So I begin.

I am complex. All of us are. It is wonderfully freeing to acknowledge that human paradox. Layers of inner and outer ‘ness’. Worlds within worlds, and so much bigger on the inside. This isn’t to use this acknowledgement as an excuse or even an explanation. All this is an acknowledgement because I have found that it allows for more nuance. Ah, nuance. Nuance is not for the faint of heart or the boundary-less. Nuance is not easy, simple, quippy, or slogan supported. Nuance isn’t about being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, ‘healthy’ or ‘not healthy’- it is yes and.

I am beginning a more concentrated journey in the new year of 2022 to explore nuance. Nuance in myself to start because I am one of the centers of my experience. I am curious about what other centers may be layered in- what edges might I find as I explore. I don’t want to intimidate myself in expecting super polished thought and writing here. Think of this as a creative journal which I happen to share on the internet- in case there are any other people who are curious about how one might go about plumbing the depths. It won’t always be comfortable and ‘nice’ here. It won’t necessarily have conclusions nor step-by-step instructions. Life isn’t like that. I am not like that. There are no rules in the dark depths, maybe some guidelines at the edges, but our journeys are only ours in life.

So I begin.